I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
