Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
