Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
