i barfeds in our rink
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
