11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
