maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
