When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
