I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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