Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize