I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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