I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
