dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
