I could have mohawked her pubes.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
