Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
