Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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