I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
