mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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