i permit you to call me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
