Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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