Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
