Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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