I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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