The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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