Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
