matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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