Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
