Welp...herpes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
