hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
