your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
