They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
