I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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