I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
