Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
