wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
