I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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