Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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