she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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