It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
