I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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