I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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