yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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