hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
