If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
