I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
