I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
