I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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