I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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