the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
