U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
