You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
A bitchslap is in order.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
