I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
