I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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