Apparently you make a good broom.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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