From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This toilet bowl is my home.
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