I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Your cock deserves a montage
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
