bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize