yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
