Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
