Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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