Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
