Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
